


All This And Heaven Too

by Rikudera



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-01
Updated: 2012-08-01
Packaged: 2017-11-11 04:25:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/474479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikudera/pseuds/Rikudera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel and Roxas debate hypothetical hearts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Doesn't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mostlyharmless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlyharmless/gifts).



_But what does it feel like_ , Roxas asks. Axel laughs.

 _It doesn’t_ , he answers, languid. _That’s the point_. Roxas wrinkles his nose. His hair tickles with the movement.

 _But_ , of course he’s not satisfied with that answer, _do you miss it_. He’s really one of a kind, Axel starts to think, then holds back another laugh at the sheer absurdity. Roxas is, by definition, two of a kind - three, if you count Xion. It’s funny because he’d rather not think of it as the other option, which is ceaselessly, furiously tragic.

 _I’m a Nobody_ , Axel says, as if he’d been deep in thought about his own situation rather than Roxas’s. _I’m not capable of missing things._ He breathes evenly, careful to avoid making it a sigh. _I just want it back._ Axel wants a lot of things: to feel the red of the sun in his bones, to figure out the problem of what Roxas must share, to reduce his sincere apology deficit to a quantity less appallingly grotesque, to run until he collapses for a reason other than self-preservation, to use a particular vocabulary he hasn’t let himself say in years. Hell, he even wants Saïx to stop being such a gigantic asshole.

But wishing is for children and those naïve enough to favor the concept of fairness. Axel knows when to keep his mouth shut.

 _What are you going to do when you get yours back_ , Roxas traces the shape where it isn’t, reverent in his sacrilege. He speaks in absolutes, as if the world is made of clockwork and intentions of salt and summer. He sighs quietly and unrestrained, lips parted only a fraction, and blinks his gaze from his finger to Axel’s face. He stares at Axel patiently.

 _I don’t know_ , Axel lies, smiling back easily. _I’m out of practice._ Roxas shifts closer. Axel helps him. _Just have to take things one day at a time, probably._

 _I don’t know the difference_ , Roxas bites his lip for the fraction of a second, _so I don’t know what to do._ The hollow, dead space inside Axel’s chest is nearly a decade old, and the pain familiar in the background. It only aches when Roxas acts like a human. The sensation is becoming increasingly common. _How much do you remember._

 _You’ll be fine_ , Axel reassures him. _It hasn’t been as long for you._ He doesn’t worry because he can’t; he only makes hastily scrawled mental notes. Roxas sighs again. _It’ll be like it never went away._

 _But what if when I get it, I still can’t remember_ , Roxas presses closer. Axel’s mental penmanship gets more illegible by the day.

 _Then we’ll both work on it_ , Axel lies again. _Think of it as a learning experience._ Roxas huffs into the curve of Axel’s neck. He has such a small nose.

 _Ah_ , Roxas says. Axel knows he only wants things for selfish reasons because he doesn’t know how to want them in other ways anymore. The world is strange refractions, and his intentions are sleight of hand.

Axel grins slowly, and continues planning.

 _You’re so warm,_ Roxas says, and doesn’t say much after that that’s coherent. Axel thinks that if there are only so many ways to get a heart, he might be able to lie his way into getting Roxas one. If everything about them is half-formed, then what's a few more moments of conjecture?


	2. It Does

A heart must be something really special. If Roxas had a heart, then everything would make sense. It has to because this whole not-feeling thing is the worst, and being reminded that he shouldn’t be able to feel just makes Roxas want to scream. He makes silent wishes on the setting sun for a heart every evening because it all seems so _unfair_.

When Axel reminds him that they don’t have hearts, Roxas wants to take him by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattle out something different. He wants to know what it’s like to feel happy when he sees his friends, to feel proud for doing something he worked hard to accomplish, to be brave about something he’s scared of, to even be sad or frustrated sometimes just because it’ll make the good times even better. He wants to remember who his Somebody was and decide if he likes the guy or not. He wants to fall in love with someone instead of being told he doesn’t know how to.

Axel always smiles or laughs when he says they don’t have hearts, which is the worst. Roxas thinks that if Axel really knows so much about being a Nobody, he wouldn’t be so blasé about it because not having a heart is completely horrible. Lingering touches from impossibly warm hands and soft gasps into the crook of a neck should be allowed mean something that’s not the same exact thing as ice cream. He wants to know the difference between instinctual reactions and purposeful intent.

Axel keeps murmuring reassurances in his ear, but none of it makes any more sense than the nebulous concept that they were born missing pieces of themselves. Even Roxas’s wordless replies are like a foreign language, the grammar of emotion forgotten before he even knew what it was to speak it in the first place. Axel would probably deny everything until his last breath, smiling like a knife, but he looks at Roxas like he’s trying to figure out the words, too.

When it actually happens, and he actually understands the poetry of his reawakened emotions, Roxas thinks that it’ll be really, really great. He doesn’t tell Axel, but he sometimes likes to pretend they have hearts anyway. He knows it’s not true - despite the fact he can’t stand it - but if they’re going to get them back later, then he needs to start practicing now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Florence + The Machine - All This And Heaven Too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mqhey5Qcas  
> Postal Service - Clark Gable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yryZvd6aqME
> 
> These drabble-sized bits were written for my friend Sam, but I talk a lot more on this theme in my full-length fic Definitions, for those interested.


End file.
